How I feel about the birth

So, writing my birth story didn't take me so long because I've been busy with Gideon. Dave is such an amazing dad that I have plenty of time in the evenings and weekends when he's home. Really, the only thing Gideon needs me for in the evenings is for breastmilk because Dave does just as well calming him, changing his diapers, dressing him and playing with him.

The real reason is that it was hard. My labor and delivery were not the peaceful event that I hoped, planned and prayed to have. I barely told anyone the story for weeks because it was too emotional. As strange as it sounds to men and some women, it really does matter how a woman gives birth.

If it wasn't there wouldn't be groups like the International Cesarean Awareness Network or forums on Mothering.com about birth and how to get past it. I didn't need counseling to get over the birth- just time. I can finally think about it and even type up thoughts without crying.

Because my birth didn't go as planned, the doubts arose almost instantly. The what ifs started even before I pushed Gideon out. I wondered if the choices I'd made during pregnancy affected the birth. What if I'd made myself exercise more? What if I'd eaten better? What if I'd visualized more? And the choices I'd made during labor... what if instead of trying to rest, I had walked? What if I hadn't gotten in the pool so early? What if I'd spent more time on my feet? What if, what if, what if?

Every choice was questioned. I felt like I had failed. My body had not done what it needed to do. I felt guilty that I hadn't been able to provide a calm birth for my baby. I felt like a failure.

And then the worry began. What about when I have another baby? Will the same thing happen? Should I even try for a home or natural birth? What if I can't handle the real pain of labor? What if all the contractions I went through would simply be uncomfortable to someone else but to me they were painful?

I am so thankful that I have a healthy, beautiful, smart boy. I'm thankful recovery from labor and delivery was not difficult or excessively long. I'm okay with what happened for now. Nothing can change what has already happened. But, I am scared that all those feelings of doubt and worry will rise right back up when I get a positive pregnancy test (years from now).

And maybe I can't think too hard about it without getting emotional.

On having a midwife

I started looking for midwives in the area as soon as we found out we were pregnant. I'd decided I wanted a natural birth and the best way to do that was to have a midwife. I assumed I would hire one who would be with me at the hospital. Well, lo and behold, midwives in Idaho aren't given hospital privileges.

So, I found two midwives who both practiced about 40 minutes away. I looked at their web sites and realized that in order to have a midwife, I was going to have to birth at home. I'd already looked into the possibility so decided to book some appointments with the midwives to decide who I wanted as my primary. They usually assist each other during births as long as one of their own clients doesn't need them.

After I decided on a midwife, we scheduled prenatal appointments. Because Nancy had three clients in Lewiston, she scheduled all of us for the same day, around the same times. So, all my appointments have been done at my house on Tuesdays during my lunch hour. Which means I've missed very little work because of the pregnancy and I don't have to travel very far!


The appointments last about an hour and include blood pressure and pulse checks, urinalysis, listening to the baby, feeling baby's position, measuring my uterus, checking for swelling, going over dietary needs and then talking about any concerns or questions I have.


I had one obstetrician appointment this pregnancy. Nancy requires that her clients meet with an OB in their area in case they have to transfer care. That one appointment was THE MOST stressful doctor's appointment I think I've ever had. Even Dave felt stressed and pressured and she wasn't even talking to him! The doctor pushed the HIV test even after I had told her twice that we didn't need one. She told me that there were some people in Texas who had contracted HIV from their dentist... (if I could do an eye roll emoticon right here, I would.) Her eyes practically shot out of her head when I said I didn't want an internal exam.


I know there are people who have natural hospital births with an OB. But they are never guaranteed. And I didn't want to have to fight at every.single.appointment for a natural experience. Doctors don't like it when you decline internal checks (internals increase the risk of infection and can cause premature rupture of the water bag, also, they don't actually tell you anything about the progress since things can change SO quickly in real labor), decline the gestational diabetes test (that sugary drink cannot be good for mom or baby, there are other signs that can warn of GD), decline using a doppler at every appointment or getting more than one ultrasound (ultrasound waves have NOT been proven safe for use during pregnancy), etc. Decling all these things has to make the doctor feel like they aren't "managing" the pregnancy. Which is exactly what I didn't want a doctor doing!

I didn't want to have to fight over every aspect of my birth plan- no constant fetal monitoring, the ability to walk and move during labor, no pain medications offered, being able to eat and drink as I wanted, having the lights dimmed, having as few people as possible come into my room, not having internal checks, etc. And, then, after fighting over all that in the office before birth, having to fight with every single nurse who came in thinking she/ he could examine me whenever they wanted and fight with whatever on call doctor I end up with about not breaking my water, not doing internals, not having monitoring, being able to birth standing up, etc.


It was wonderful when I asked Nancy, "How often do you do internal checks?" and she responded, "I prefer not to do them and won't during labor unless you request one." When I decline a procedure or test, she says okay and moves on. It's wonderful when I can tell her that I looked into the eye ointment or Vitamin K or circumcision and decided against it. She doesn't try to scare me into having these things done. She doesn't try to push anything.


She's only been adamant about one thing. She said she will not waiver on this one point except in the case of an emergency. She requires that the mom hold the baby skin to skin for the first two hours after birth. :) Which I am completely okay with! This is wonderful bonding time and encourages breastfeeding, it also ensures that baby's body temperature regulates (did you know that a mother's body temperature changes to accomodate her baby's? i.e. if baby has a fever, mom's body temperature will cool down and if baby is cold, mom's body temperature will go up). Those hospital incubators can't do that!


Midwives give the birth experience back to the mother and families. Nancy will be there to assist and help in case she is needed. More than likely, Dave will be the one to pull our little boy out of the water and hand him to me. More than likely, he'll be the one cutting the umbilical cord (after the cord has stopped pulsing- another decision we would have to fight for in the hospital.) I will be able to give birth where I feel most comfortable- no one will be telling me that I need to lie down and put my legs in stirrups (which, according to studies, -and common sense- is the WORST way to give birth.)

During the birth Nancy will check my blood pressure, pulse and listen for baby's heartbeat intermittently. She'll make sure I get plenty of fluids and food to keep my strength up. She'll do a newborn exam and make sure I don't bleed too much. She'll make sure the placenta comes out in one piece and is healthy. She'll stay for at least three hours after the birth to make sure breastfeeding is established, things are cleaned up and that mom and baby are still doing well. In the six weeks following the birth, she'll come for at least four checkups to make sure things are still going well. She's a lactation consultant so she'll be able to help with any breastfeeding issues we have.

Needless to say after this massively long post, Dave and I are very happy we've chosen a midwife.

What do you need for a homebirth??

A lot of the things are on a list my midwife gave me but some of them are from the Mothering.com homebirth board. There is an amazing list of things that people had wished they'd known before they had their homebirth. Some of the things are like, "I wish I would have known that I wouldn't want so many people around during labor," "I wish I would have known I would want to drink lots of juice- all we had in the fridge was water!" and things like that.

So, a few things on the list from the midwife:

• New water potable hose with correct fittings (for filling up the birth tub)
• Tarp/ plastic to go under the birth pool
• Old bathroom mats/ towels to go around the pool and soak up the water that splashes out
• Plastic sheet/ cover for bed mattress (in case water breaks in bed or I end up wanting to labor/ give birth there)
• Several sets of cheap sheets for our bed (so we don't care if they get ruined)
• Turn the water heater up as soon as labor starts so there is plenty of hot water for the tub.
• Emergency numbers, fastest route to the hospital and a full tank of gas in case of a transfer.
• Extra towels and a robe or two
• 10-12 washcloths for cold/ hot compresses
• Ginger- peeled, sliced and kept in freezer until the birth (for hot compresses)
• A crockpot (to keep the compress mixture warm)
• Cold pressed oil for massage
• Lots of ice and frozen juice chips in the freezer
• Witch hazel
• Hydrogen peroxide (gets out blood)
• Bendy straws to make drinking water/ juice/ whatever easier
• Easily digestible snacks for me; healthy, quick snacks for the midwives/ Dave
• Flashlight with extra batteries

Supplies from the thread on Mothering.com:

• A hospital bag packed in case we need to transfer with everything for me, Dave and baby for a hospital stay
• Coconut water- works better than Gatorade as an electrolyte replacer and is natural (no added sugars), it can be ordered online but a local grocery store here has it in the natural foods section.
• A yoga ball (already have one!)
• Plastic covers for pillows (some people said they just used garbage bags under their pillow cases.
• Soup or casserole that can go in the oven or on the stove just after the birth for something healthy and filling for everyone to eat.
• Orange juice for after the birth (everyone agreed that it was just what they wanted to drink)
• Goldenseal powder for the umbilical cord stump
• Small waterproof mattress pad to protect mattress after the birth is over

Advice from the thread on Mothering.com:

• Separate birth supplies into two tubs: One for during bith and one for after.
• Cover the clocks so you don't know how long you've been laboring
• If you start labor at night, try to sleep as long as you can so you are rested when labor really kicks in.
• Turn your cell phones on silent but make sure they are charged and close by in case of emergency.
• Put a note on the door that you are not to be disturbed for any reason!
• Warn the neighbors (we live in a duplex so we really need to do this) that there may be lots of noise but that we are all okay!
• Write out a list of things to do if labor isn't progressing well: Massage, different positions to try, etc.
• Make sure that your husband knows that he MUST enforce anything you say in labor- apparently, it's hard to say things while in the throes of labor so anything that is said must be taken seriously the first time!
• Put an air mattress in the area you plan on birthing (this for us is upstairs in our living/ dining area). They are a soft place to labor, easier to clean up than a mattress, and can be tossed out if gets too messy.
• Lots of extra batteries for your camera and an extra memory card (ours will hold over 2000 pictures so I'm not too worried about having an extra one)
• Set visiting hours for after the birth so you don't get worn out and don't be afraid to kick people out if they stay too long!
• Require that visitors help out by doing dishes, laundry or folding clothes.
• Keep the fridge stocked since you never know when you will go into labor!
• Energy bars and snacks with protein and fats- helps with milk production.
• Remember to turn the hot water heater back down before doing laundry on hot or running the dishwasher as the super hot water can ruin the machines!

So, we have all the supplies now. The pool is partially blown up and leaning against our dining room wall. We have the correct attachment for our kitchen sink attached (which was a pain to find, by the way!) Everything we'll need right away- the tarp for the floor, the hose, liner for the pool and some towels are in a container. The rest of the birth supplies are in another tote underneath that one.

We've been trying to stay stocked with food. We need to run to the store tonight because we're getting close to running out of some things. We are SO looking forward to this little guy deciding it's time to come! He and I are both still doing well. I think he just likes it in there!

My blood pressure problems...

So, I don't really have high blood pressure problems. It was a little higher during a couple appointments but that was because I was dehydrated. Now that I've been drinking enough water, my blood pressure is fine.

But, my blood pressure tends to rise when I talk about maternity care in the U.S. and birth and parenting decisions based on misinformation. I've learned during this pregnancy that people seem to think that a pregnant belly (or a babe in arms, I've heard) is an open invitation to tell you what you should or should not be doing/ saying/ feeling/ thinking.

This is the reason that Dave and I have kept a lot of our decisions to ourselves. Most of my friends and family don't know that we are planning a natural birth at home in a birth pool, we will not have the Vitamin K or Hep. B shots at birth, and we won't put the eye ointment on our son. He also will not be circumcised. We plan to have baby sleep in our room, I will breastfeed exclusively for the first 6 months, we will cloth diaper from the beginning, we will have vaccinations given on a delayed schedule, we will carry our baby in carriers or our arms rather than carry him in the carseat and we will do baby led weaning. Every single one of these decisions is based on research. None of these are based solely on what a doctor or midwife has told me we should do.

The funny thing is, I would never walk up to a pregnant woman who plans on a hospital birth with an epidural and tell her that she is making the wrong choice for her and her baby. I would never tell her horror stories about hospital births (even though I know of MANY), I would never say she was endangering her child's life by choosing a hospital birth. And yet, if I tell someone that I am planning a home birth with a midwife, they feel like it's their place to tell me that it's unsafe, that they knew of a friend of a friend of a friend whose baby died because they were at home, that I am some sort of whackadoo hippy who isn't getting proper prenatal care, etc.

I also wouldn't tell someone that putting their baby in a different room to sleep is cruel. I don't think it's right that parents allow their babies to cry themselves to sleep, but I'm not walking around telling anyone who reads the book Babywise that they are teaching their children to not trust them. But, if I tell someone we plan on cosleeping, I get told my child is going to be spoiled, he'll sleep with us forever, he won't learn to self soothe...

See the problems here? Other expectant moms are able to talk excitedly to anyone and everyone about their birth plans- how they will be getting their membranes stripped a week early, how they'll have a Pitocin drip and then they'll get an epidural when the contractions become too difficult (which, with an induction, can happen very quickly). Or a woman can say that her doctor told her the baby is going to be too big to fit through her pelvis based on an ultrasound, so they scheduled a c-section two weeks early. I can't give my opinion on any of those things because the person would be extremely offended that I would dare question the choices they've made for their birth.

Yet I feel that I can't talk about home birth, natural labor and delivery, delayed cord cutting and spending the first two hours after birth holding my son skin to skin.

Because my choices are not mainstream, I'm apparently fair game for all judgment, ridicule and doubt. This causes my blood pressure to go up!

But you know what? I'm not going to hide my choices anymore. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that what Dave and I have decided to do is best for us and is best for our son. Everyone is allowed to make their own choices based on their research. So, if anyone has problems with my decisions, they are welcome to do the same research I've been doing. If they come up with a different decision - fine, they can go have a baby however they want.

Woo! See, I tend to go off on these topics. It's a good thing I didn't have an appointment today, otherwise my blood pressure would have been up again! But, really, I feel like most women don't even realize they have a choice in their births. They don't know that there are options out there for them. And, if I keep what I have discovered to myself, then it's possible they'll never hear about it. So, maybe, if I share my choices and deal with the doubt and ridicule from most people, maybe one woman will realize that she does have a say over what happens to her body and her baby during birth.

It's been awhile!

But, I'm 18 weeks pregnant today! It seems like it's going so fast... I've been feeling great. A little heartburn but nothing that sitting up straight doesn't help. I'm showing and Dave and I have decided that we'll start taking weekly belly pictures so we can watch the change. I might try to post some, but it also may never get done!

I've been reading the book "Pushed" by Jennifer Block. It gets me so riled up and frustrated that Dave told me I'm not allowed to read it before bed anymore! I just can't understand how maternity care in the United States got to this point. I'm so glad that we've decided to have a natural birth, free of interventions as long as there are no problems.

I don't think women- or anyone really- in the US understands how far birth has gone from what is normal. Dave has a few coworkers who have been giving him "advice" about birth. When he told them which doctor we were seeing, they said they didn't like her. The reason? She's not quick enough to do c-sections, apparently. Well, that's good to know and I'm glad. I would very much like to avoid major abdominal surgery.

There's so much I've been learning since I got pregnant. I've subscribed to Mothering magazine and I love it. So much wonderful information about natural birth, breastfeeding and raising healthy kids. I like to lurk on the natural birth boards over there as well and read birth stories that are inspiring rather than scary (the ones that everyone seems to think are appropriate to tell pregnant women.) I'll try to remember to post links to the sites I've been reading and talk more about the natural birth that I want.

10 weeks and midwife appointment!

How far along? 10 weeks, 1 day... I'm a little late.

Total weight gain/loss: Same... I'm starting to wonder if we should get a scale or if I should even care...

Maternity clothes? Just the one pair of shorts.

Sleep: Okay still. Going to bed between 9 and 9:30 at night.

Best moment this week: Telling friends. It was tons of fun to hear their reactions!

Movement: None

Food cravings: None really. I'll suddenly want something but if I don't have it the craving goes away.

Gender: unknown

Labor signs: Nope.

Belly button in or out? In.

What I miss: Being able to suck in my stomach.

What I am looking forward to: Telling my mother in law tonight and then the rest of the world!

Weekly wisdom: Keep eating!

Milestones: Met with another midwife yesterday. I'm thinking she's the one I'll choose.

Also, about the appointment, we tried to listen for a heartbeat on the doppler but couldn't hear it. I didn't really expect that we would since it's so early and I have a retroverted uterus. And I didn't pass out when I had blood taken, so that's always a plus as well!

Already thinking about labor

I'm already preparing for labor! I know, seems a little early, but there's so much to look into. I'm reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth right now. I'm really enjoying it and I'm pretty sure I'll be reading it again before this baby's born!

Also, I've been searching for natural birth videos and information. I just found this link of the 100 best natural birth blogs! I'm very excited to start looking through them to see if I can find a few helpful ones.

Well, that's all for now. This weekend we'll be telling my husband's mom and then the rest of the world! I'm really looking forward to everyone knowing so we don't have to watch what we say when out in public!