So, writing my birth story didn't take me so long because I've been busy with Gideon. Dave is such an amazing dad that I have plenty of time in the evenings and weekends when he's home. Really, the only thing Gideon needs me for in the evenings is for breastmilk because Dave does just as well calming him, changing his diapers, dressing him and playing with him.
The real reason is that it was hard. My labor and delivery were not the peaceful event that I hoped, planned and prayed to have. I barely told anyone the story for weeks because it was too emotional. As strange as it sounds to men and some women, it really does matter how a woman gives birth.
If it wasn't there wouldn't be groups like the International Cesarean Awareness Network or forums on Mothering.com about birth and how to get past it. I didn't need counseling to get over the birth- just time. I can finally think about it and even type up thoughts without crying.
Because my birth didn't go as planned, the doubts arose almost instantly. The what ifs started even before I pushed Gideon out. I wondered if the choices I'd made during pregnancy affected the birth. What if I'd made myself exercise more? What if I'd eaten better? What if I'd visualized more? And the choices I'd made during labor... what if instead of trying to rest, I had walked? What if I hadn't gotten in the pool so early? What if I'd spent more time on my feet? What if, what if, what if?
Every choice was questioned. I felt like I had failed. My body had not done what it needed to do. I felt guilty that I hadn't been able to provide a calm birth for my baby. I felt like a failure.
And then the worry began. What about when I have another baby? Will the same thing happen? Should I even try for a home or natural birth? What if I can't handle the real pain of labor? What if all the contractions I went through would simply be uncomfortable to someone else but to me they were painful?
I am so thankful that I have a healthy, beautiful, smart boy. I'm thankful recovery from labor and delivery was not difficult or excessively long. I'm okay with what happened for now. Nothing can change what has already happened. But, I am scared that all those feelings of doubt and worry will rise right back up when I get a positive pregnancy test (years from now).
And maybe I can't think too hard about it without getting emotional.
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