How I feel about the birth

So, writing my birth story didn't take me so long because I've been busy with Gideon. Dave is such an amazing dad that I have plenty of time in the evenings and weekends when he's home. Really, the only thing Gideon needs me for in the evenings is for breastmilk because Dave does just as well calming him, changing his diapers, dressing him and playing with him.

The real reason is that it was hard. My labor and delivery were not the peaceful event that I hoped, planned and prayed to have. I barely told anyone the story for weeks because it was too emotional. As strange as it sounds to men and some women, it really does matter how a woman gives birth.

If it wasn't there wouldn't be groups like the International Cesarean Awareness Network or forums on Mothering.com about birth and how to get past it. I didn't need counseling to get over the birth- just time. I can finally think about it and even type up thoughts without crying.

Because my birth didn't go as planned, the doubts arose almost instantly. The what ifs started even before I pushed Gideon out. I wondered if the choices I'd made during pregnancy affected the birth. What if I'd made myself exercise more? What if I'd eaten better? What if I'd visualized more? And the choices I'd made during labor... what if instead of trying to rest, I had walked? What if I hadn't gotten in the pool so early? What if I'd spent more time on my feet? What if, what if, what if?

Every choice was questioned. I felt like I had failed. My body had not done what it needed to do. I felt guilty that I hadn't been able to provide a calm birth for my baby. I felt like a failure.

And then the worry began. What about when I have another baby? Will the same thing happen? Should I even try for a home or natural birth? What if I can't handle the real pain of labor? What if all the contractions I went through would simply be uncomfortable to someone else but to me they were painful?

I am so thankful that I have a healthy, beautiful, smart boy. I'm thankful recovery from labor and delivery was not difficult or excessively long. I'm okay with what happened for now. Nothing can change what has already happened. But, I am scared that all those feelings of doubt and worry will rise right back up when I get a positive pregnancy test (years from now).

And maybe I can't think too hard about it without getting emotional.

My Birth Story, Part 2

When we arrived at the hospital, we were shown to the tiniest room ever. Thankfully, when our nurse came in, she moved us to a room about three times the size with a large recliner, a couch and much more space to walk around. I changed into a hospital gown and sat on a labor ball. Dave and I had decided that I would get the epidural. I could not go on any longer without sleep.
Our nurse tried to move things along as quickly as possible. People came and went- they monitored Gideon while someone came in to take my blood, the doctor checked my progress and someone else hooked me up to IV fluids. I had to have an entire bag of fluids before I could get the epidural.

After almost two hours, the anesthesiologist arrived. He asked everyone to leave so there were no distractions. He explained everything he was doing and my nurse helped hold me steady (I was still shaking) while he inserted the catheter into my back. It was quick and mostly painless. He told me that they give a narcotic with the first dose of epidural so I'd feel very relaxed soon. He was right. It was almost immediate. Also, my water broke for real while I was getting the epidural.

After a few minutes, while I got situated in bed and they added antibiotics to my IV, I was finally able to sleep. I don't know how long I slept but it was SO wonderful. I woke up feeling normal- except I couldn't feel my legs. Nancy had to leave (she'd told me from the beginning that this was the only day she wouldn't be able to work) but Noel, the other midwife in the area, came soon after. Dave was very relieved to see me so much more relaxed. He told me later that he couldn't remember the last time I'd joked. It seemed like labor was going on forever.

I was checked again and I was only dilated to 4. They added pitocin to the mix in my IV and contractions picked up again. It was weird to not be able to walk around with them. I was able to drink clear fluids- juice, water and chicken broth and eat jello.

They upped the pitocin throughout the day and we all just kind of hung out. Gideon's heart rate was still good.

About 11 p.m., I started to feel like I needed to push. More nurses came in to set up the doctor's table. The epidural dosage was turned down and the pitocin turned up. Noel and Dave helped the nurses get me into comfortable positions for pushing. We tried several different things before settling with one that seemed to be doing the most. I pushed for 2 and 1/2 hours before Gideon finally arrived.

My nurses were wonderful but I really did not like my doctor. She was the one I saw once during my pregnancy and didn't like then. She was very rough, did not pay attention to our wishes and just didn't seem to care. Thankfully she wasn't there for long. I wish my birth had happened really fast so Noel could have caught Gideon.

Despite the doctor, it was so amazing to finally hold my baby. He was screaming and waving his arms as the doctor wiped him down a little. When he was put on my chest it seemed so unreal. The nurses covered us with towels and Gideon pooped almost right away. I just talked to him and he calmed down after a little bit and snuggled. After about an hour, the nurses took him to get him cleaned up. Dave went with him to make sure there were no shots or eye goop given. I was cleaned up as well. Even though the epidural had worn off by then, I was extremely shaky and it was hard to stand.



Here's one of our first photos together. Gideon's lungs were and are still very strong!

My birth story, part 1

I woke at 1 a.m. Saturday morning and lost my mucous plug. I went back to bed with a towel just in case my water broke. About 30 minutes later, I felt a gush and the towel was wet. I'd been having contractions for weeks now and they had been stronger the night before.

Since I was Group B Strep positive, I did the Hibiclens wash and then called my midwife. She asked if I'd felt baby move at all since my water broke. Since I hadn't, she decided to drive down and listen for him. So, I woke Dave up to let him know. He was super excited and jumped out of bed. When Nancy arrived, she had no problem finding baby's heartbeat, it was good and strong. So, we went back to bed to try to get some more sleep.

Contractions were much harder than before and soon I realized I was not going to be able to sleep at all. Dave and I got up. I made some pancakes but didn't feel like eating them. It was about 5 a.m. when Dave thought it'd be best to call Nancy back. My contractions were still about 5 to 7 minutes apart but much stronger. He started filling up the tub and Nancy said she was on her way.

Nancy arrived, set things up for the birth and then we labored. I rocked on the yoga ball, walked around, drank lots of fluids and just waited. We were on a time limit since being GBS + meant I had to have antibiotics after 18 hours of ruptured membranes. About an hour before we'd have to transfer Nancy asked if she could check me to see how far we'd gotten. It was SO disappointing to hear I was only 3 centimeters dilated. We knew we would have to transfer then. Nancy gave me some herbs so I could sleep for a short time before heading in. Dave and I prayed together. We both felt such immense disappointment. We'd prayed so long for a gentle home birth and now we were headed to the hospital. I was so afraid of what would happen at the hospital. I knew I would have to be on my back with monitors and IVs and the thought of going med free while not being able to move was scary to me.

We got a room at the hospital, they monitored baby for about half an hour and then wanted to check to make sure my water had really broken. The nurse said she didn't see any fluid leaking but took a sample. Come to find out- my water bag was still intact! And, I was still only 3 centimeters. So, we left. There was no way I was staying in the hospital when I didn't have to be there. By the time we got home it was midnight. I took some Benadryl (on the nurse's recommendation) to help me sleep. I was able to get about 6 or 7 hours between the strong contractions that woke me up.

Sunday morning I was still contracting and hard. Dave emptied the birth pool so it could be refilled with fresh water later. We labored all day and all night. The whole labor seems so blurry- I know we took a walk, I hung out in the birth pool, I labored on the birth ball and the birth stool. The contractions were hard and coming faster and I remember I thought I felt like I needed to push. But, I was getting SO exhausted. I hadn't had good sleep in almost three days, it'd been over 50 hours since we thought my water had broken. Nancy asked if she could check me again. I was hesitant since it was SO uncomfortable to get on my back and the exam itself is no walk in the park. But, we needed to know.

I have never felt such disappointment as when Nancy told me I was still only 3 centimeters dilated. All those hours, all that pain, all those contractions and they had done NOTHING. This was when we had to make our decision. Did we want to transfer? Gideon was still doing fine- his heart rate hadn't changed at all and my water bag was still intact. But I was exhausted. I was shaking uncontrollably. I couldn't think. I could barely talk. Nancy left us alone for awhile and Dave and I talked. We decided to try to rest and then see if I'd progressed any further. Nancy gave me a herbal tincture and I was able to sleep for a short time. There was no change so we decided we'd have to transfer. I got dressed and sat on the yoga ball while Dave and Nancy gathered things up. I tried to eat but could barely get anything down. It was about 10 a.m. Monday when we left for the hospital.

-To be continued-

Baby Gideon has arrived!

Born March 30, 1:30 a.m. Mom and baby are doing well. I'll write up a birth story later. We just got home from the hospital and are trying to get breastfeeding established.