How I feel about the birth

So, writing my birth story didn't take me so long because I've been busy with Gideon. Dave is such an amazing dad that I have plenty of time in the evenings and weekends when he's home. Really, the only thing Gideon needs me for in the evenings is for breastmilk because Dave does just as well calming him, changing his diapers, dressing him and playing with him.

The real reason is that it was hard. My labor and delivery were not the peaceful event that I hoped, planned and prayed to have. I barely told anyone the story for weeks because it was too emotional. As strange as it sounds to men and some women, it really does matter how a woman gives birth.

If it wasn't there wouldn't be groups like the International Cesarean Awareness Network or forums on Mothering.com about birth and how to get past it. I didn't need counseling to get over the birth- just time. I can finally think about it and even type up thoughts without crying.

Because my birth didn't go as planned, the doubts arose almost instantly. The what ifs started even before I pushed Gideon out. I wondered if the choices I'd made during pregnancy affected the birth. What if I'd made myself exercise more? What if I'd eaten better? What if I'd visualized more? And the choices I'd made during labor... what if instead of trying to rest, I had walked? What if I hadn't gotten in the pool so early? What if I'd spent more time on my feet? What if, what if, what if?

Every choice was questioned. I felt like I had failed. My body had not done what it needed to do. I felt guilty that I hadn't been able to provide a calm birth for my baby. I felt like a failure.

And then the worry began. What about when I have another baby? Will the same thing happen? Should I even try for a home or natural birth? What if I can't handle the real pain of labor? What if all the contractions I went through would simply be uncomfortable to someone else but to me they were painful?

I am so thankful that I have a healthy, beautiful, smart boy. I'm thankful recovery from labor and delivery was not difficult or excessively long. I'm okay with what happened for now. Nothing can change what has already happened. But, I am scared that all those feelings of doubt and worry will rise right back up when I get a positive pregnancy test (years from now).

And maybe I can't think too hard about it without getting emotional.

My birth story, part 1

I woke at 1 a.m. Saturday morning and lost my mucous plug. I went back to bed with a towel just in case my water broke. About 30 minutes later, I felt a gush and the towel was wet. I'd been having contractions for weeks now and they had been stronger the night before.

Since I was Group B Strep positive, I did the Hibiclens wash and then called my midwife. She asked if I'd felt baby move at all since my water broke. Since I hadn't, she decided to drive down and listen for him. So, I woke Dave up to let him know. He was super excited and jumped out of bed. When Nancy arrived, she had no problem finding baby's heartbeat, it was good and strong. So, we went back to bed to try to get some more sleep.

Contractions were much harder than before and soon I realized I was not going to be able to sleep at all. Dave and I got up. I made some pancakes but didn't feel like eating them. It was about 5 a.m. when Dave thought it'd be best to call Nancy back. My contractions were still about 5 to 7 minutes apart but much stronger. He started filling up the tub and Nancy said she was on her way.

Nancy arrived, set things up for the birth and then we labored. I rocked on the yoga ball, walked around, drank lots of fluids and just waited. We were on a time limit since being GBS + meant I had to have antibiotics after 18 hours of ruptured membranes. About an hour before we'd have to transfer Nancy asked if she could check me to see how far we'd gotten. It was SO disappointing to hear I was only 3 centimeters dilated. We knew we would have to transfer then. Nancy gave me some herbs so I could sleep for a short time before heading in. Dave and I prayed together. We both felt such immense disappointment. We'd prayed so long for a gentle home birth and now we were headed to the hospital. I was so afraid of what would happen at the hospital. I knew I would have to be on my back with monitors and IVs and the thought of going med free while not being able to move was scary to me.

We got a room at the hospital, they monitored baby for about half an hour and then wanted to check to make sure my water had really broken. The nurse said she didn't see any fluid leaking but took a sample. Come to find out- my water bag was still intact! And, I was still only 3 centimeters. So, we left. There was no way I was staying in the hospital when I didn't have to be there. By the time we got home it was midnight. I took some Benadryl (on the nurse's recommendation) to help me sleep. I was able to get about 6 or 7 hours between the strong contractions that woke me up.

Sunday morning I was still contracting and hard. Dave emptied the birth pool so it could be refilled with fresh water later. We labored all day and all night. The whole labor seems so blurry- I know we took a walk, I hung out in the birth pool, I labored on the birth ball and the birth stool. The contractions were hard and coming faster and I remember I thought I felt like I needed to push. But, I was getting SO exhausted. I hadn't had good sleep in almost three days, it'd been over 50 hours since we thought my water had broken. Nancy asked if she could check me again. I was hesitant since it was SO uncomfortable to get on my back and the exam itself is no walk in the park. But, we needed to know.

I have never felt such disappointment as when Nancy told me I was still only 3 centimeters dilated. All those hours, all that pain, all those contractions and they had done NOTHING. This was when we had to make our decision. Did we want to transfer? Gideon was still doing fine- his heart rate hadn't changed at all and my water bag was still intact. But I was exhausted. I was shaking uncontrollably. I couldn't think. I could barely talk. Nancy left us alone for awhile and Dave and I talked. We decided to try to rest and then see if I'd progressed any further. Nancy gave me a herbal tincture and I was able to sleep for a short time. There was no change so we decided we'd have to transfer. I got dressed and sat on the yoga ball while Dave and Nancy gathered things up. I tried to eat but could barely get anything down. It was about 10 a.m. Monday when we left for the hospital.

-To be continued-

37 weeks!

Our 37 week appointment went great. Dave and I ran around that morning cleaning and getting the last of the things together that we needed.


My blood pressure is still a little higher than Nancy would like, so I'm continuing with the exercise, lots of greens and protein and I've addded several herbal teas that are supposed to help. I sure hope there is a difference at the next appointment tomorrow! Thankfully my blood pressure is fine when taken lying on my left side- it shows that the high blood pressure is not true hyper tension.


Nancy dropped off the birth pool so we have it halfway blown up leaning against our dining room wall. Thankfully we don't plan on having dinner guests before baby arrives! We have the liner for the pool (to keep it sanitary) and all the necessary attachments for filling it up. The hard part will be emptying it after the birth- Dave is a little unsure of how to go about it. But, I figure this isn't the first time the midwives have faced this question, so they'll figure it out!


The rest of the appointment was talking about the birth, when to call, what to expect, etc. It's SO weird to be at that point now! I feel ready for the most part though...


Our freezer is stocked with plenty of healthy, filling food for the week or so after the birth before my mom arrives. A sample of what I've frozen: Three lasagnes (small size, enough for dinner and lunch the next day), enchilada casserole (we'll probably throw this in the oven right after the birth for everyone - depending on the time of day he's born, of course!), taco meat, sausage cabbage soup, vegetable hamburger soup, Swedish meatballs and lots of muffins and banana bread. We're also going to make sure whenever we run out of something important (i.e. milk, cheese, bread, eggs), that we buy it right away. We don't want to go into labor on Friday night and have nothing in the fridge because we were planning on getting everything Saturday morning!


His clothes and diapers have been washed and organized, just waiting for a tiny little body to put them on! The infant car seat is installed in the car and Dave is taking it to be inspected this week. We'll install the convertible in the truck soon and get that inspected as well when we get the chance. We've got a a little cosleeper for our bed for him to sleep in those first few weeks until we get the crib and can sidecar it to our bed.


I've been having contractions all the time now. They aren't painful or even very uncomfortable, but there have been a lot of them. I thought about trying to time them, but then read an article recommending against timing them until they demand your attention. Makes sense, otherwise, I would have been timing four days worth of contractions with nothing to show for it!


Baby is still kicking up a storm in there. Probably trying to find more room. Carpal tunnel is still annoying me. I think the only thing that will help it now is having this baby. My hands are almost constantly numb and if they aren't numb, they are all tingly feeling.


Oh, and my stomach is officially too big for all my maternity shirts! Only the long tank tops barely cover it. So, I went out and bought some of those short dresses women wear over leggings or jeans- making sure to find the high waisted and very stretchy ones. I might shorten a few of them since I'm not a fan of that look but at least my stretch mark covered belly isn't hanging out anymore!

On having a midwife

I started looking for midwives in the area as soon as we found out we were pregnant. I'd decided I wanted a natural birth and the best way to do that was to have a midwife. I assumed I would hire one who would be with me at the hospital. Well, lo and behold, midwives in Idaho aren't given hospital privileges.

So, I found two midwives who both practiced about 40 minutes away. I looked at their web sites and realized that in order to have a midwife, I was going to have to birth at home. I'd already looked into the possibility so decided to book some appointments with the midwives to decide who I wanted as my primary. They usually assist each other during births as long as one of their own clients doesn't need them.

After I decided on a midwife, we scheduled prenatal appointments. Because Nancy had three clients in Lewiston, she scheduled all of us for the same day, around the same times. So, all my appointments have been done at my house on Tuesdays during my lunch hour. Which means I've missed very little work because of the pregnancy and I don't have to travel very far!


The appointments last about an hour and include blood pressure and pulse checks, urinalysis, listening to the baby, feeling baby's position, measuring my uterus, checking for swelling, going over dietary needs and then talking about any concerns or questions I have.


I had one obstetrician appointment this pregnancy. Nancy requires that her clients meet with an OB in their area in case they have to transfer care. That one appointment was THE MOST stressful doctor's appointment I think I've ever had. Even Dave felt stressed and pressured and she wasn't even talking to him! The doctor pushed the HIV test even after I had told her twice that we didn't need one. She told me that there were some people in Texas who had contracted HIV from their dentist... (if I could do an eye roll emoticon right here, I would.) Her eyes practically shot out of her head when I said I didn't want an internal exam.


I know there are people who have natural hospital births with an OB. But they are never guaranteed. And I didn't want to have to fight at every.single.appointment for a natural experience. Doctors don't like it when you decline internal checks (internals increase the risk of infection and can cause premature rupture of the water bag, also, they don't actually tell you anything about the progress since things can change SO quickly in real labor), decline the gestational diabetes test (that sugary drink cannot be good for mom or baby, there are other signs that can warn of GD), decline using a doppler at every appointment or getting more than one ultrasound (ultrasound waves have NOT been proven safe for use during pregnancy), etc. Decling all these things has to make the doctor feel like they aren't "managing" the pregnancy. Which is exactly what I didn't want a doctor doing!

I didn't want to have to fight over every aspect of my birth plan- no constant fetal monitoring, the ability to walk and move during labor, no pain medications offered, being able to eat and drink as I wanted, having the lights dimmed, having as few people as possible come into my room, not having internal checks, etc. And, then, after fighting over all that in the office before birth, having to fight with every single nurse who came in thinking she/ he could examine me whenever they wanted and fight with whatever on call doctor I end up with about not breaking my water, not doing internals, not having monitoring, being able to birth standing up, etc.


It was wonderful when I asked Nancy, "How often do you do internal checks?" and she responded, "I prefer not to do them and won't during labor unless you request one." When I decline a procedure or test, she says okay and moves on. It's wonderful when I can tell her that I looked into the eye ointment or Vitamin K or circumcision and decided against it. She doesn't try to scare me into having these things done. She doesn't try to push anything.


She's only been adamant about one thing. She said she will not waiver on this one point except in the case of an emergency. She requires that the mom hold the baby skin to skin for the first two hours after birth. :) Which I am completely okay with! This is wonderful bonding time and encourages breastfeeding, it also ensures that baby's body temperature regulates (did you know that a mother's body temperature changes to accomodate her baby's? i.e. if baby has a fever, mom's body temperature will cool down and if baby is cold, mom's body temperature will go up). Those hospital incubators can't do that!


Midwives give the birth experience back to the mother and families. Nancy will be there to assist and help in case she is needed. More than likely, Dave will be the one to pull our little boy out of the water and hand him to me. More than likely, he'll be the one cutting the umbilical cord (after the cord has stopped pulsing- another decision we would have to fight for in the hospital.) I will be able to give birth where I feel most comfortable- no one will be telling me that I need to lie down and put my legs in stirrups (which, according to studies, -and common sense- is the WORST way to give birth.)

During the birth Nancy will check my blood pressure, pulse and listen for baby's heartbeat intermittently. She'll make sure I get plenty of fluids and food to keep my strength up. She'll do a newborn exam and make sure I don't bleed too much. She'll make sure the placenta comes out in one piece and is healthy. She'll stay for at least three hours after the birth to make sure breastfeeding is established, things are cleaned up and that mom and baby are still doing well. In the six weeks following the birth, she'll come for at least four checkups to make sure things are still going well. She's a lactation consultant so she'll be able to help with any breastfeeding issues we have.

Needless to say after this massively long post, Dave and I are very happy we've chosen a midwife.

What do you need for a homebirth??

A lot of the things are on a list my midwife gave me but some of them are from the Mothering.com homebirth board. There is an amazing list of things that people had wished they'd known before they had their homebirth. Some of the things are like, "I wish I would have known that I wouldn't want so many people around during labor," "I wish I would have known I would want to drink lots of juice- all we had in the fridge was water!" and things like that.

So, a few things on the list from the midwife:

• New water potable hose with correct fittings (for filling up the birth tub)
• Tarp/ plastic to go under the birth pool
• Old bathroom mats/ towels to go around the pool and soak up the water that splashes out
• Plastic sheet/ cover for bed mattress (in case water breaks in bed or I end up wanting to labor/ give birth there)
• Several sets of cheap sheets for our bed (so we don't care if they get ruined)
• Turn the water heater up as soon as labor starts so there is plenty of hot water for the tub.
• Emergency numbers, fastest route to the hospital and a full tank of gas in case of a transfer.
• Extra towels and a robe or two
• 10-12 washcloths for cold/ hot compresses
• Ginger- peeled, sliced and kept in freezer until the birth (for hot compresses)
• A crockpot (to keep the compress mixture warm)
• Cold pressed oil for massage
• Lots of ice and frozen juice chips in the freezer
• Witch hazel
• Hydrogen peroxide (gets out blood)
• Bendy straws to make drinking water/ juice/ whatever easier
• Easily digestible snacks for me; healthy, quick snacks for the midwives/ Dave
• Flashlight with extra batteries

Supplies from the thread on Mothering.com:

• A hospital bag packed in case we need to transfer with everything for me, Dave and baby for a hospital stay
• Coconut water- works better than Gatorade as an electrolyte replacer and is natural (no added sugars), it can be ordered online but a local grocery store here has it in the natural foods section.
• A yoga ball (already have one!)
• Plastic covers for pillows (some people said they just used garbage bags under their pillow cases.
• Soup or casserole that can go in the oven or on the stove just after the birth for something healthy and filling for everyone to eat.
• Orange juice for after the birth (everyone agreed that it was just what they wanted to drink)
• Goldenseal powder for the umbilical cord stump
• Small waterproof mattress pad to protect mattress after the birth is over

Advice from the thread on Mothering.com:

• Separate birth supplies into two tubs: One for during bith and one for after.
• Cover the clocks so you don't know how long you've been laboring
• If you start labor at night, try to sleep as long as you can so you are rested when labor really kicks in.
• Turn your cell phones on silent but make sure they are charged and close by in case of emergency.
• Put a note on the door that you are not to be disturbed for any reason!
• Warn the neighbors (we live in a duplex so we really need to do this) that there may be lots of noise but that we are all okay!
• Write out a list of things to do if labor isn't progressing well: Massage, different positions to try, etc.
• Make sure that your husband knows that he MUST enforce anything you say in labor- apparently, it's hard to say things while in the throes of labor so anything that is said must be taken seriously the first time!
• Put an air mattress in the area you plan on birthing (this for us is upstairs in our living/ dining area). They are a soft place to labor, easier to clean up than a mattress, and can be tossed out if gets too messy.
• Lots of extra batteries for your camera and an extra memory card (ours will hold over 2000 pictures so I'm not too worried about having an extra one)
• Set visiting hours for after the birth so you don't get worn out and don't be afraid to kick people out if they stay too long!
• Require that visitors help out by doing dishes, laundry or folding clothes.
• Keep the fridge stocked since you never know when you will go into labor!
• Energy bars and snacks with protein and fats- helps with milk production.
• Remember to turn the hot water heater back down before doing laundry on hot or running the dishwasher as the super hot water can ruin the machines!

So, we have all the supplies now. The pool is partially blown up and leaning against our dining room wall. We have the correct attachment for our kitchen sink attached (which was a pain to find, by the way!) Everything we'll need right away- the tarp for the floor, the hose, liner for the pool and some towels are in a container. The rest of the birth supplies are in another tote underneath that one.

We've been trying to stay stocked with food. We need to run to the store tonight because we're getting close to running out of some things. We are SO looking forward to this little guy deciding it's time to come! He and I are both still doing well. I think he just likes it in there!

32 week picture and appointment update

This is me in Boise with some funny looking boots. The white part of them is all fur.

Anyway, my 32 week appoitnment was awesome. My blood pressure was a little high the past few appointments and it's gone back down. We're attributing it to extra water, exercise and prayer! Also, I'm well hydrated as well. We've had some issues with that in the past. Apparently I'm one of those I'm-too-cool-for-64-ounces-of-water-to-keep-me-hydrated types... so, I aim for just over 70 ounces a day. I think it's probably because my work keeps the office at 74 degrees- WHO NEEDS TO BE THAT HOT??? We keep our house just above 60 when we are home, 55 at night and when we are out.

Baby boy was being difficult again so she couldn't get his heart rate. He is head down though. He was hiding behind the placenta and kept moving away from the fetascope. But, with all the moving he's been doing, I'm not too worried about not having a heart rate at this point. He's obvisouly healthy since he spends so much time exploring my ribs with his toes.

I ordered my birth kit this morning! Woo hoo! It was just under $70 and includes all sorts of little things that I could get locally, but would probably take me forever to track down. So, it's way easier to just order it all at once. We, of course, need to make sure we have lots of towels and wash cloths on hand (bought a bunch on clearance already) along with a few other things like snacks for me and for the midwives.

So, I only have one more appointment until the big 36 week one! After 36 weeks I'll be able to deliver at home if I go into labor. Also, at this appointment, both my primary midwife (who I've been meeting with at my house since the beginning) and her backup will come. We'll have all the birth supplies ready to go and we'll show them where they will be kept. Also, we will show them where the bathroom is, where things are in the kitchen, etc. Not that our house is very big... Dave will be at that appointment- the first one he'll have been at since the very first! Well, and the doctor's appointment/ ultrasound- but I don't really count that as a real prenatal appointment.

Yikes... the more I think about what we have to do before then, the more I realize there is to do! We'll also be installing the carseats at 36 weeks. The convertible one will go in the truck and the infant seat will go in the car. That way, if we do need to transfer to the hospital, we can take either vehicle.

OK, I'm going to stop thinking about all the things we have to do before then since I'm at work (working hard obviously) and can't do anything to prepare at the moment!

My blood pressure problems...

So, I don't really have high blood pressure problems. It was a little higher during a couple appointments but that was because I was dehydrated. Now that I've been drinking enough water, my blood pressure is fine.

But, my blood pressure tends to rise when I talk about maternity care in the U.S. and birth and parenting decisions based on misinformation. I've learned during this pregnancy that people seem to think that a pregnant belly (or a babe in arms, I've heard) is an open invitation to tell you what you should or should not be doing/ saying/ feeling/ thinking.

This is the reason that Dave and I have kept a lot of our decisions to ourselves. Most of my friends and family don't know that we are planning a natural birth at home in a birth pool, we will not have the Vitamin K or Hep. B shots at birth, and we won't put the eye ointment on our son. He also will not be circumcised. We plan to have baby sleep in our room, I will breastfeed exclusively for the first 6 months, we will cloth diaper from the beginning, we will have vaccinations given on a delayed schedule, we will carry our baby in carriers or our arms rather than carry him in the carseat and we will do baby led weaning. Every single one of these decisions is based on research. None of these are based solely on what a doctor or midwife has told me we should do.

The funny thing is, I would never walk up to a pregnant woman who plans on a hospital birth with an epidural and tell her that she is making the wrong choice for her and her baby. I would never tell her horror stories about hospital births (even though I know of MANY), I would never say she was endangering her child's life by choosing a hospital birth. And yet, if I tell someone that I am planning a home birth with a midwife, they feel like it's their place to tell me that it's unsafe, that they knew of a friend of a friend of a friend whose baby died because they were at home, that I am some sort of whackadoo hippy who isn't getting proper prenatal care, etc.

I also wouldn't tell someone that putting their baby in a different room to sleep is cruel. I don't think it's right that parents allow their babies to cry themselves to sleep, but I'm not walking around telling anyone who reads the book Babywise that they are teaching their children to not trust them. But, if I tell someone we plan on cosleeping, I get told my child is going to be spoiled, he'll sleep with us forever, he won't learn to self soothe...

See the problems here? Other expectant moms are able to talk excitedly to anyone and everyone about their birth plans- how they will be getting their membranes stripped a week early, how they'll have a Pitocin drip and then they'll get an epidural when the contractions become too difficult (which, with an induction, can happen very quickly). Or a woman can say that her doctor told her the baby is going to be too big to fit through her pelvis based on an ultrasound, so they scheduled a c-section two weeks early. I can't give my opinion on any of those things because the person would be extremely offended that I would dare question the choices they've made for their birth.

Yet I feel that I can't talk about home birth, natural labor and delivery, delayed cord cutting and spending the first two hours after birth holding my son skin to skin.

Because my choices are not mainstream, I'm apparently fair game for all judgment, ridicule and doubt. This causes my blood pressure to go up!

But you know what? I'm not going to hide my choices anymore. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that what Dave and I have decided to do is best for us and is best for our son. Everyone is allowed to make their own choices based on their research. So, if anyone has problems with my decisions, they are welcome to do the same research I've been doing. If they come up with a different decision - fine, they can go have a baby however they want.

Woo! See, I tend to go off on these topics. It's a good thing I didn't have an appointment today, otherwise my blood pressure would have been up again! But, really, I feel like most women don't even realize they have a choice in their births. They don't know that there are options out there for them. And, if I keep what I have discovered to myself, then it's possible they'll never hear about it. So, maybe, if I share my choices and deal with the doubt and ridicule from most people, maybe one woman will realize that she does have a say over what happens to her body and her baby during birth.